Roach Busters: The Search Continues…

By Raphael Santa Maria // Mosaic Staff Writer

The search for Ned, the infamous cockroach leader who has been said to devour one Mosaic student each year, goes on. As roach hotels have been placed in the laundry rooms, answers remain uncertain as to where exactly the roach that has already scared the living (blank) out of fourteen females in the left side of Washburn Hall is hiding.

They managed to escape when they were first spotted by Chris in the laundry room in the early morning of June 18th. Chris then formed the team of amateur cockroach trappers, which consisted of himself, me, Matthew Chow and “Winning” Winston Lee, better known as the “Roach Busters”. We placed a trap made of a small Dixie cup and pieces of a granola bar in the middle of the laundry room and waited for them to regroup.

We returned to find seven big toe-sized roaches congregating in the center of the laundry room, planning their next attack. Catching them off guard, I ran in there with a long wooden stick while Chris quickly, but calmly, switched on the lights. I killed three of the critters within fifteen seconds, but the other four managed to escape under the washing machines. It was time to call in the muscle…

Chris and Matt walked in to lift up the washing machines while I swept them out of hiding with a broom stick. Winston wasn’t with us, but he was there in essence, I could feel his energy. I managed to kill two more. We knew for sure that the last one was hiding under the third washing machine, so we took a breather. Then, we thought, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” We had to get this last one, or humanity was going to come to an abrupt end.

We marched back into the room and put it all on the table. We risked our lives for a greater cause. To throw him off, we lightly tapped the washing machines with our feet like there was no tomorrow, and indeed it seemed as if so. Confused, it went behind the washing machines where the pipes and wires were located. It was limping. I knew right then and there that it was the perfect opportunity to get this little bastard (excuse my French).

As Chris and Matt scared that thing, making it run out from behind the washing machines, it was now vulnerable. It ran to one corner of the room where we had piled up all the lint, trash and dirty socks owned by past Mosaic staff. As it hid in the rubbish, we took our time to observe it in its natural habitat. He was weak. There was no escape…

After we gathered our information about the roach and its habits of living, we moved it to a part of the room where it was exposed. It was on its back, still alive. We could tell it wanted us to end its life and put it out of its misery.

As I raised the wooden stick I used to kill the first two, I tried to make it as dramatic as possible. Then, Kelly yelled at me, “JUST KILL IT!” And that I did. I squashed the damned thing as if I were Zeus, smiting someone with a great fury. For a moment, I thought the nightmare was over. It wasn’t.

Leslie pointed out that one of them, who I thought I killed earlier, was still alive and kicking. I placed a clear plastic sheet on top of it to end it all. As I stepped on it with the might of a mustang horse, my foot slipped, turning it into paste on the floor of the laundry room.

Around us, seven squashed freakalopes were scattered all over the room. I dropped the stick and sighed in relief. The battle was over… but the Roach Busters have yet to win the war…


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